


The birth of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder

by sherbal



Series: The Birth of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder [1]
Category: Blackadder
Genre: M/M, Possible Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-09 11:43:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12887148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherbal/pseuds/sherbal
Summary: Basically just rewrite the "Blackadder goes forth" 6 episodes in a slash wayEach chapter to destroy an episode loved by allRewrote some bits(mostly late chapters) on 17/12/2017 and updated the rating from T to M





	1. M for Minstrel

**Author's Note:**

> Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder is a royal gardener, in a BBC promotional commercial in 2002, performed by Rowan Atkinson as usual.  
> you can see the video here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfYx_013UuY  
> It's the name "Darling-Blackadder" really interests me.  
> I mean, they could have stick to the original name of "Edmund Blackadder", but they decided to change it to "Darling-Blackadder"  
> sorry Mr Atkinson, Mr McInnerny, Mr Curtis and Mr Elton. sorry Mr Lloyd for making a mess of your wonderful work.  
> This fic is a very clumsy parody of the Blackadder goes forth. But I really love it for now. If I have any time, I’ll keep polishing it. (Hell, I don’t have a Richard Curtis to revise my work. If I do, under the policy of removing every joke he finds not so funny, I’m sure he’ll proabbly scratch the whole page off and tell me to go bugger myself.)
> 
> And in 17/12/2017 I did the first rewrite, mostly adding more romance (and sex!) scenes
> 
> thank you for reading here and hope you enjoy it  
> and please feel free to comment whatever you'd like to say. I'm thrilled to get feedbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, before we begin. I'd like to point out the use of black minstrels is inspired by Jeeves and Wooster, series 2, episode 5. I have no intention to be accused of racism. I love black people! I do! I have black friends! No, seriously, even it's for commedy, I don't fancy the use of stereotypes or even races. HAHA, funny, i do mock the Italians down here.

 

Captain Darling sat on the small single bed in his private quarters, busy blacking his boots with shoe polish(only for officers!) as one of his daily rituals. The others, of course, were nothing too far from emptying General Melchett’s urinal and pulling up his trousers after kissing his ass.

Darling let out a causal sigh and his stomach growled. The dinner he just had with the General was incredibly nauseating. As an ominous beginning, the salad starter was basically a very cold mess of a pretty hot vegetable orgy. Following was the mignon with black pepper sauce which can be easily mistaken as a piece of used cardboard that some lepers just coughed on. The baked potatoes looked like they were beaten to death by shovels in every inhuman way. And not to mention the crown turd of the night, the turtle that stuck in your pipes—the cream custard, which just tasted like cat piss. He’s got to have a word with the Italian chef tomorrow. If the food do taste like this in their boot-shaped Mediterranean little country, then there’s no doubt that the sausage side doesn’t even want them.

He felt sick at the thought of his soup with chunks of turnip idly floating on it, like fat blokes on the water in the public swimming pool. The thought of lardy-boo-boos squeezing together in his stomach made Darling quickly covered his mouth with his left hand, for fear of the mignon and custards gushing out. He soon regretted it after recovering a bit.

He jus smeared the boot polish on his face! He could smell the stinking black grease on his moustache even before he had the chance to look at himself in his tiny mirror.

Oh, god. Darling stared at the heavily-bearded man who was frowning back at him. His lower face was almost covered all in black. He rushed to the wash basin in the corner of his room, trying his best to wash it off. Moments later, skin red and raw, water dripping from his nose, he finally dared to look into the mirror again.

Damn it. The boot polish seemed to have got under his skin. His jaw was almost shinning in the dim light. He looked like a black man from under the nose, a narrow-chinned, moustached, angry but frustrated black man. The smell of clean water somehow reminded him of the days by the sea as a boy, mother used to take him for long walks on the beach. And one day, by pure serendipity, they came across a black minstrel band playing banjo on the sands. Of course not genuinely black men, but pure English wastrels with blackened faces. So it’s safe to say they were rotten players. He couldn’t remember the song they played but the strong shocking image did stay with him for a long time.

Out of strange impulse, he took some more boot polish from the round tin box and stared to decorate his forehead and cheeks with it. Before he should realise there was butter in the kitchen to get the polish from his face, he completed his wild sordid childhood dream. His face, now covered with black decoration every inches, smiled back under the light.

He gave himself another wide grin. Arched an eyebrow or two, maybe pulling a couple of funny faces. Then put the nightgown over his pajamas and snuck off his room to find the butter in the kitchen.

//

Blackadder was sitting on his bed, eating cheese stolen from the kitchen a little bit earlier in his disguise mission as an Italian chef. He did overdo it, regrettably. The amount of hand gestures he employed today probably only suggested he was an amateur finger puppet actor with fingers glued together than a shoddy third-rate Naples cook. But the accent was perfect and his fake moustache was perfect and Baldrick even didn’t say a word to give them out during simple interrogations. George, however, though being an upper class git, still could make a semi-convincing Italian with a tread on his foot.

“Permission to praise the cheese, sir.” Baldrick asked.

“Good, keep it like this, Baldrick. I’m glad you still remember the order.” Blackadder wiped his hand on the apron satisfactorily. “Permission granted.”

“This cheese tastes so good that I’m sorry for not stuffing all of my pockets with it.” Bladrick licked his fingers after dropping the last bit into his mouth.

“You’re right, Baldrick. I’m willing to stuff two Edam cheese in each side of my breast pocket and change my name to Emily the knocker, if only can wrap my tongue around another slice of these wonderful delicacies taken from the French again.”

“Emily the knocker? You mean, a girl who’s a real tough wrestler?” George asked with a long confused face, not getting his joke.

“Listen, you...” Blackadder’s pointing finger stopped in the middle of the air. “Hang on, where is my jacket? It can not possibly be left in the kitchen... can it?”

//

Darling was relieved to see the kitchen was clear. It would be an utter career disaster to explain why he had a blackened face and crept to the kitchen at the middle of the night. He lighted a candle and started to go through the cardboards in the mission of butter hunting.

He sweared under his breath to curse the Italian chefs for making such a mess of this place. Pans uncleaned and food all sprawling on the counter. He began to smell something fishy here and he was not talking about the half-eaten trout on the floor.

When he was busy searching for the blasted butter, he heard footsteps coming closer. Afraid of getting caught, he hid under the table, hoping the person outside would go away.

//

Blackadder tiptoed surreptitiously in the corridor. He knew that there was always something going wrong to fart on his face and ruin every of his cherished moment.

He was relieved at the absolute silence in the building. The guards let him in without even looking up from his slumber.

He opened the kitchen door and tried to locate his missing jacket in the dark.

There was a candle lit in the kitchen. Someone must have come in here a few minutes ago since it was burning to its end. Must be some git stealing food at night. Blackadder just envies how those lucky bastards working in the HQ are! But he’s sure the smell of old Frog-brain Melchett is bad enough to endure within 10miles. Yet he’d do anything to stay here rather than being pushed into the trenches to live with a bunch of monkeys from the zoo and some single-celled organisms. And when he meant monkeys and single-celled organisms, he meant those monkeys of the lowest rank, bullied by all the other monkeys, and those pathetic single-celled creatures that should be extinct millions of years ago and somehow the devil spared them only to cause more chaos and confusion in this world.

The candle died out and the room was filled with darkness again. When he was squinting to find his jacket, he heard people talking outside in the corridor. Without hesitation, he dug under the kitchen table to lie low for a while.

Well, let’s just say he’d never have thought he would stare at a black-faced man under a kitchen table at the headquarter in the middle of the night.

“Blackadder?!”The other man gasped.

“Darling?” Blackadder frowned with happy surprise, after hearing from his wonderful acquaintance who was just the man he wanted to share this adventure with.

“What are you doing here?!” They managed to lash out the same time.

“And with a black face.” Blackadder quickly added.

“None of your...”

Before Darling could finish, he was shushed.

“How dare you! You piece of shit.”

He then heard voices right outside the kitchen. He couldn’t see very clearly in the dark, but he was sure Blackadder was staring right into his eyes to tell him to shut up.

The kitchen door was opened for about the millions time in one night.

“You heard ol’Melchett almost puke his guts out, t’night?”

“If I can have a three-course meal, I will never let it out of my system. Not a chance.”

“‘Tis disgusting, Richie. I mean, you have to pee and crap sometime. Remember that time you spent all morning in the loo and our magazines here were all mysteriously gone later?”

“Now, look here, mister. Are you implying that I stole our collections?”

“Nah, I was only saying you are filthy wanker. I’m surprised to see you still have such good eye sights.”

Both men under the table heard the sound of a pan hit on a human’s face.

“Whoops, I’m so sorry Eddie. Can’t see you very clear.”

The a another bang sound, this time probably on a human’s back.

“Butter fingers, sorry. I thought it was a cat or something.”

It was clearly a pair of food-stealing soldiers.

The two captains were incredibly close and keeping very still under the table. Hearing noises made by the careless soldiers from behind the tablecloth. Their knees were touching, legs pressing. Darling’s one foot rested against Blackadder’s lower thigh in a restrained way. Both men tried their best twisting their body as far away as possible to minimise physical contact.

The two unsatisfied pigs up there were still hovering over the desk, shoving snouts in the trough.

Unfortunately, one soldier trod on Darling’s foot when he tried to keep it away from Blackadder.

If were not for Blackadder’s hand quickly covered his mouth, Darling may had cried out right there, knocking the table down and probably held in custody for depraved sick humour of blackening his face and wrestling in the middle of the night with a fellow officer who should be on no man’s land in the big push operation.

He was near to tears. His eyes squeezing in agony while quietly retreating his foot inside the tablecloth that hung from the table.

Luckily, the soldier probably thought he stepped on some kitchen waste and paid no further attention.

Darling could smell the strong scent of boot polish with a warm hand covered around his nose. It was getting insufferably hot and he couldn’t breath. He gave the man a small nod to show he was emotionally stable enough to live without a hand on his mouth. But Blackadder showed no sign of getting his information.

Darling glared back at Blackadder in the dark, even knowing he probably wouldn’t see him very clearly as well. He reached out to pull Blackadder’s hand away from his mouth, since the other party under the table had no intention to let it go. Blackadder dropped his sweaty hand silently, looking at Darling who was wiping his face with his sleeve. He imagined Darling’s face would be full of disgust and his eye twitching.

They stayed still for some more time, probably just a couple of minutes to wait for the violent conversation unable to be heard from a far distance. Then both men, rashly got up from under the desk, ready to confront each other.

“You tell first, or shall I?” Blackadder said in his usual grumpy mocking way, despite the fact that they just shared personal space with each other seconds earlier.

“You should be in the big push with your boys now, Blackadder. What are you doing in the kitchen, in the headquarter?” Darling clearly wanted him to go first.

“Then what about the blackened face, Darling? Finally found out you have close affiliation with apes?”

Both men taking one side of the long table they were hiding under minutes earlier and was about to tear the other apart.

“It’s none of your business, Blackadder. I’ll have you court martial-ed if you can’t give a good reason of why you are here.”

“You know, Darling. If you keep asking, I will probably kill you right there and no body will know about it. And, of course, you won’t be missed. General Melchett can always find someone else to wipe his bottom.”

Blackadder drew out his revolver with an air of bravado.

Darling was alerted and quickly grabbed the nearest item to defend himself and, the god of luck once again pulled down his pants and shit on both men, he got into contact with a hot kettle on the stove by both hands.

“AH! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Darling cried out then quickly muffled his voice with his sleeves since both of his hands were burnt.

Blackadder was shocked then quickly came around the table to check Darling’s hands. Then acting purely of international humanitarian, he swiftly got a bucket of cool water to Darling.

“Put your hands in, you git.”

Darling did so without making a fuss.

Blackadder then went to check the kitchen door, reassured to see there was no one outside.

“Can’t take a bloody joke, can you?” Blackadder leant against the table with his arms crossed. “Come on, then. Why the black face?”

Darling frowned at the pain from his hands and decided that If Blackadder should mock him about this for the rest of his life, then he himself probably deserved it for one adult should never never paint his face black for fun.

“Alright, I was polishing my boots and accidentally got some shoe polish on my face. End of story. I was going to get some butter to get it off.” Darling carefully twisted his hands in the bucket.

“The whole face, all black? My, how many accidents can get you that?” Blackadder smirked.

“What about you? You couldn’t have run to the HQ and hid here to escape the big push?” Darling arched an eyebrow at him.

“No, I was in the big push. Killed some Germans and celebrated with chums and just pop in the HQ to see how you fellows are doing here.”

“You’re lying. I’ll get you court-martialed, Blackadder. For leaving your post.”

“Please don’t threaten me with that again, Darling. For yourself. Look what you’ve got last time.” Blackadder gestured at Darling’s hands. “Alright, I’m off. You should probably go to the hospital. It looked pretty bad. “

“But, but, I can’t go to see those nurses with... my face.” Darling just realised that he could never use his burnt hands to butter his face.

Blackadder was about to open the door and then stopped but didn’t bother to turn around. He was just standing there, toying the door handle to wait for Darling’s unavoidable pleading.

“No, wait. Blackadder?” Darling managed to choke out a small broken cry.

“Yes?”

“Could you... could you... do me a favour and we can pretend that nothing happened tonight?”

“Then what sort of favour is that? My dear Captain Darling.” Blackadder’s finally turned around and smiled widely. He really had to hear those words out of Darling’s mouth.

Darling’s face went flaming red, even though it was covered in boot polish. Blackadder could still see his ears all red, like Christmas lights.

“Don’t make me say it. Please. I’d rather die.” Kevin Darling lowered his head, unable to look Blackadder in the eyes.

“Alright, alright.” Blackadder knew that there is a limit how much you can push a man. “Care to sit down? I don’t want to tire my arms much.”

//

After seated on a chair by the kitchen table and with hands still in the water bucket on his thighs, Darling hung his head low, like in the old days, reprimanded by an English teacher. He just quietly listened to the soft sound Blackadder made while searching for butter.

“You’ve got to look up so I can put this on your face.” Blackadder stood in front of him.

Darling raised his chin a little bit higher so now he was staring at Blackadder’s stomach. He then dropped his head again.

Blackadder sighed. “ let’s just get over with it.”

He bent down to use a butter knife found in the cupboard to put butter on darling’s forehead then cheeks. Found it difficult and inefficient, he put down the knife and used his hand instead. Darling flinched at his touch immediately and apoplectically swayed back to his former place after noticing it.

They both thought it’d be better if they communicate less in the process. But Darling seemed startled at his every touch. And he had to get it done so he could get back to the trenches by dawn.

The hundredth time Darling shifted his head back uncontrollably, Blackadder caught hold of Darling’s jaw in one hand, forcing him to look up and got him locked in place.

At that one precise moment, he saw pure fear when their eyes met. Darling’s eyes opened wide to meet his own with panic. So that’s how people feel when caught in the hands of the bigger, stronger, of the people that can easily manipulate them and determine their fate. He saw Darling, not just Darling but the entire humankind in them deep dark blue Pupils. For one time, he could put down his contempt at this man for trying to keep living, even if it means having to earn a living by licking boots and kissing asses. Blackadder never felt so powerful ever before, yet so devastated.

Darling quickly averted his gaze when Blackadder was caught in his thoughts, instead staring nonchalantly at the butter knife on the table. The office-worker waited, for this one time, patiently to allow the trench officer to get back to reality.

Noticing Darling dropped his eyes in an almost bashful and timorous childlike way,

Blackadder softened his clench and continued to perform his duty.

 


	2. PG for Pompous Git

Darling grinned cheerfully seeing Blackadder being escorted by two privates out of the courtroom. The grumpy deceased... he meant defendant, shot him an annoyed but somehow defeated look then chose not to look at him but glaring at lieutenant George.

“Coming for lunch, Darling?” General Melchett waved at him while squeezing his rather gigantic bottom between the desk and the poor fellow judges’ thighs.

“Sorry, no sir. “ Darling quickly gathered his things. “Some administrative work to be done. Lunch has to be forgone.”

“You sure? General Bassett’s always wanted to meet you.” Melchett stopped at the door. “He envies my neat-fold pajamas so much, his head might just fall off. “

“Sir, I think you mean General Bassington. General Bassett’s head did fall off last month. As you recall, a German landmine unfortunately exploded when the General’s car accidentally driven into a corn field and did several J-turns. And was about to ‘have it a go’ with the local mule.”

“Really? Sporty soul. May him race in peace. ” Melchett laughed.

//

Darling rushed back to his office in no time. Play time is over and now, if he doesn’t hurry, things will indeed go horribly wrong.

He picked up the telephone receiver and dialled a number.

“Hello, Dorothy. It’s Captain Darling. Yes, indeed long time no speaking. Is minister in this afternoon? Oh, he is. Wonderful. We just passed a sentence this morning and I think the minister would like to know...”

//

Blackadder was lying on the miserable bed laid by hundreds of deceased blokes before, playing the wooden duck brought by Baldrick earlier this afternoon.

He could barely ate his lunch, even though it was incredibly good compared to Baldrick’s novel creation with mud and some poor little animals that land in the trenches.

He asked for an alarm clock and of course, they didn’t give him one. He saw out of his little window, the sun was slowly going down in the remote distance and the moon was getting clearer above the skyline. So this is it. The life of Edmund Blackadder. He didn’t die in face of barbarians in Africa or even poked to death by the French. He was about to die with several bullets on his face, from a jocular firing squad that was even far of a torture than the death itself.

He thought about his mother. They seldom wrote to each other since he joined the army to get away from home. Partly because she was dead soon after. He tried to remember his childhood, but abandoned the idea for it was almost all child labour and supporting his brothers and sisters who didn’t even share his surname. His father, when Blackadder closed his eyes to picture a tall man, didn’t leave him any solid impressions but vague shadow. His mother only let him keep his father’s last name of “Blackadder” for the man once told her that he was a noble descendant.

His step father was a Percy Perkins. A simpleton worker with a simple name. Not that he disliked Mr Perkins, he was only too old to get that sort of father-son relationship when his mother married again. They spoke on the phone one or two times after he advanced to Captain. The old man worried about him. Blackadder suddenly regretted acting like a cold hard rock whenever Percy tried to care for him when he was young. All those years of being alone, being aloof, being alienated, Blackadder took this opportunity to look at his conscientiousness and found it hurt like hell.

He put his hand over his eyes , wondering if he could cry for this one time after adulthood.

He thought about the time when being a young man in London, before joining the army. He could feel the metropolis once again in front of his eyes when he shut them really tight. The foul smell of petrol and dirt. The grey gloomy sky. The thick fog in the cold autumn evening. And also the colourful showcase windows of the shops. The gaudy fancy dresses on the ladies. The gents’ walking sticks decorated with gold and ivory. It’s the city for adventurers, for parvenus, for young man with big ambitions.

He thought about the Turkish Baths, the dirty dim-lighted pubs, the Roller skating rink. He thought about the Thames, the Westminster, the Big Ben at dawn and dusk. He tried to remember every vivid detail of those carefree years full of thrills and joys.

It’s funny how death can make you think, but what’s the good of that?

He fell asleep after hours of confusion and frustration.

Let tomorrow come quicker.

//

When he was waken by the sound of the prison door open, he quickly remembered where he was and sat up. It was dark in the room. He must have slept fo hours.

“Good evening, Blackadder.” Captain Darling wandered in. “How’s your sleep?”

“And how’s your hands?” Blackadder didn’t bother to stand up.

An embarrassment crossed Darling’s face and soon faded. He uncomfortably scratched his nose.

“What are you doing here? Saying goodbye for the last time? I’m afraid you’ll have to stand in the queue with others outside.”

“Oh, you mean the invisible squad?” Darling pretended to look outside. “They say it’s fine for me to cut in. After all, they won’t even bother to show up.”

“You’re here to gloat, aren’t you? One of the gloaters waving a banana outside an orangutang’s cage.”

“Yes, in fact the General asked me to give you his personal kick in the nuts.”

“Good, you can shove off and tell the old dim-witted pig-brain chimpanzee that the fate has already done so.”

“How dare you, Blackadder?” Darling stepped closer.

“Then you will what? Have me court martial-ed? I really can’t imagine what else can you get me into. Perhaps beheaded, hanged, drown or quartered?”

“Could you turn on the lamp? It’s difficult to see your hangdog face in the dark.”

“You pompous git. Help yourself. I hope you would be stabbed to death by a blunt pencil.”

Darling said nothing but turned to lit the lamp.

“Congratulations, I must say. I would be dead tomorrow and you’ll get some new boys to plot against. It must be pretty tense to fight with one intellectual for so long.”

“Blackadder...do you really hate me?” Darling said in a small voice, for fear of being heard by guards outside.

Blackadder frowned at this probably untimely question.

Darling played with one the buttons of his jacket in a seeming state of torpor.

Both “yes” and “no” would seem odd in this circumstance. Does he hate him? Probably not. But the “no” was really hard to say for Blackadder.

At this time, Baldrick running in with a piece of paper, which was later found out, George’s letter to his uncle Rupert— the minister of war, saved the awkward situation.

“I’ll go back to the HQ. Goodbye, Blackadder. Hope you enjoy your last supper.” Darling left and closed the door.

//

When next morning, stepping in their little accommodation, ready to give George a big thank-you handshake, Blackadder was pissed off when he realised these two were really stupid enough to mess up a matter of life and death.

Before he could have the chance to give them both a piece of his mind, he means, a piece of cold hard rock on their heads, the phone rang.

“Hello, Captain Blackadder. It’s Captain Evans. I’m afraid Captain Darling was sent to inventory the paper clip stock this morning. I’m here to take his position for now. The General was angry at him reporting your case so early to the ministry.”

Blackadder smiled.

“Yes, Captain Evans. Could you tell him that he’s a pompous git and I say thank you?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny that if I'm in the Marvel universe and am a superhero, my name will be the "Shipper" for I can ship anyone at anytime of the day nonstop


	3. G for Gaffe

 

“George, have you got these three basic rules? If you haven’t, I can always repeat them again.” Blackadder said while shaving his chin carefully.

“Yes, certainly sir. Never take off my wig. Don’t talk. And... and don’t get shagged on the veranda.” George looked nervous, just like any young man in drag who was about to have her first ball night.

“Good. I’ll be there with you all evening. If the horny old blighter tries to grope you through skirt, you come to me at once. It’s only one night. By luck, tomorrow this time, we’ll be sipping champagne in the hotel room of ritz, dancing with lovely ladies and having proper food that can be called food, rather than Baldrick’s waste of God’s gifts.” Blackadder wiped his face with a towel. “Baldrick! Are you ready? We’re about to go.”

“I’m here, sir.” A young smallish lad came in.

“Excuse me. Have you seen Baldrick? The smelly squishy muddy turd ball looks like a monkey without fur.” Blackadder could not believe his eyes.

“I am Baldrick, sir.” A brand new clean smelling-like-soap Baldrick responded.

“Good heavens, Baldrick. I thought you were born into that gargoyle filthy form that can only be identified as a human being when seen from certain angles. It’s lovely to see you all cleaned up.” Blackadder patted Baldrick on the shoulders then turned to put on his red ceremonial uniform jacket. “Alright, gentlemen... and lady, let’s go.”

//

He was seated next to George, with Melchett sat on the other side of “the gorgeous Georgina”. Captain Darling was opposite him, frequently twitching his eyes for having to endure the ghastly scene of the clearly lovesick General wooing lieutenant George.

Blackadder was glad Darling chose not to mention anything about what exactly did the gorgeous Georgina have more than normal females. It would be wise to leave this matter aside when everyone here was trying to have a good time. He saw at the other table not very far away, that Baldrick was surrounded by dozens of chorus girls. Apparently that after some tidying up by sand paper, Baldrick suddenly became the love pet of all the opposite sex. The little berk giggled stupidly and this caused a high tide of girlish sighs. Blackadder rolled his eyes and focused on poor George beside him.

“Ah, you see, General. I used to play, I mean, my brother used to play for the Kensington team.” George quickly changed his voice into a more effeminate tone, after realising his mistake.

Blackadder gave him a long hard stern stare to warn him of never trying breaking the second rule they agreed on earlier.

“Really? Georgina. I watched their matches a couple of times before. I might have seen him!” Melchett was getting closer and closer to George. He was basically sitting on George’s laps.

“Ah, well. I say....That is to say, good.” George rambled in his usual style nervously.

“But even though your brother is in this team, I have to say, it’s not a very promising one to have a long career in. Rotten players.”

“I beg your pardon?!” George stood up and bursted out. “Listen, SIR!”

Blackadder kicked George really hard on the legs, but the young man didn’t seem to be bothered with it.

“Ouch!” Darling, instead, cried out.

Blackadder looked away, pretending nothing had happened. He stared at the mansion’s glass chandelier for a while. When he returned his gaze again, he found Darling glaring at him. But he couldn’t bother less, for young George here, was obviously delivering a tirade about the triumph history of his old cricket team. Each sentence began with “I say” “now look here” or “listen, you berk”.

Nothing could be done now.

Blackadder glanced over at Melchett, finding him staring at George in almost a worshipping way, drowned in love.

Things were not going too horribly wrong it seemed, but he quickly noticed that George’s fake breasts were now fallen onto his stomach during his ardent speech. He kicked George again and once again, Darling called out.

“Blaaaaaaaackadder!”

All the people at their table stopped talking and looked at Darling.

“Something the matter,Darling?” Melchett asked grumpily.

“Bla...no, nothing, sir.”

“Then eat your meal in silence, will you?”

Darling then turned back to give death glares to Blackadder who made a funny face at him, once everyone resumed their conversations.

They were basically locking eyes in a staring-contest now, with Blackadder’s funny faces and Darling’s twitching squinting glares.

Then Darling decided to revenge. He silently moved his legs under the table and aiming for Blackadder’s direction.

“Ahhhhhhh!” Melchett shouted. “Which one of you little piece of shit kick me in the shins?!”

Blackadder silently pointed a finger to Darling.

“How dare you, Darling! In front of the beautiful Georgina! Get lost! A little bit of fresh air might do you some good.” Melchett pointed a finger to the veranda.

Darling left with his tail between his legs. Blackadder sighed and then quickly adjusted George’s breasts by this chance.

//

“Pardon me if I heard you wrong. You said ‘I’m going to dance with Baldrick. Oh, he’s a lovely jolly little fellow. I really like the colour of his hair.’” Blackadder frowned at one of the chorus girl who was dancing with him moments earlier.

“Yes, that’s what I’ve said. Every girl wants to dance with him.” Lisa nodded.

“Oh, god. I forgot he’s not the breath monster before.” Blackadder found at the other end of the dancing room, Baldrick was wearing a heavy coat made of young girls desperately trying to touch him. “Off you go, then.”

With Lisa left, Blackadder bitterly stared at the heartthrob Baldrick Gable, and then turned around to leave the sight of the little monkey as a woman-magnet, drawing females from every direction. He needed some fresh air. After years of staying in trenches, dealing with foul-smelling 6-footers, it was funny that he could not welcome this kind of social event very well. He strode across the awkward dancing pair of Melchett and George. He didn’t want to lay eyes on George again tonight. Even the gorgeous Georgina hops onto the table, lifting her frock and points to her groin and sings the song “little chickadee”. The blind-than-a-blind-person General will only say “what a happy surprise! I love it when you have something I do too.”

He opened the curtains to the veranda, secretly hoping no one was already there, riding Baldrick. As it turned out, it was only Captain Darling, silently staring at the light of gun fires and bombs in the great distance, with a glass of champagne sitting on the edge. Down below, the mansion’s swimming pool quietly reflecting the moonlight showed a good serenity, in deep contrast with the turmoil far away.

“Enjoy the view?” Blackadder came near and also rested his elbows on the railings.

Darling didn’t bother to turn to look at him, knowing his voice. “No” is the only answer he gave.

“Why not? They were soaking in mud and blood, while we can be here, wooing woman, sipping champagne...talking,” He added. “Something bothering you? Perhaps the hard choice of choosing which pencil to write first tomorrow? Or perhaps some other silly problems like the rest of us mortals have?”

Darling sighed. “You will be in London tomorrow night. What do you have to worry about?”

“So that’s what bothers you. Having to stay here with orangoutangs while I can meet other more sophisticated people.” Blackadder toyed with Darling’s champagne glass. “I’ll give Miss Doro, Miss Cooper, Miss Warwick your love. Don’t thank me.”

“And Mrs Melchett. You do know the General might propose to your George this evening.” Darling snorted.

“I don’t know. I know he’s blind, but I never have thought the horny hot-handed frosty-brain pervert could be that...”

Before he could finish, the curtains were drew open by the previously mentioned pervert.

“Ah, Darling, Blackadder. Have you seen Georgina? I’m looking everywhere for her. Oh, that girl!!! Makes me so mad that I can devour an elephant. Oh, the biggest bluest eyes! The cutest silliest nose!”

Before Melchett could finish his badly written love poem, Blackadder cut in.

“Sorry, no sir. I think she might be in the lady’s room.”

“Good, I’ll try to find her there. Carry on with your heart-to-heart talk, gentlemen.” Melchett left.

“You don’t suppose the general is inclined to that way, do you Darling? With your years of service to the chap, did he once stick his willy-jolly into another Jonny’s bummy-holely?”

“No! You’re mad, Blackadder. What you implied is utterly filthy and horribly wrong.” Darling turned to look at him. Blackadder found him blushing and his left eye twitching.

“Then why is your eye twitching? If I don’t know you that well, I’d think it was you who strokie-touchie his beaver cleaver.” Blackadder arched an eyebrow at Darling.

“It’s a medical condition, that’s all. And you don’t know me that well, watch it, Blackadder.” His eye was twitching even more shockingly.

“Yes, I do. I know you’re nervous. But why are you nervous when I said Melchett is inclined that way? Unless...” Blackadder studied Darling’s face carefully, trying to detect every small muscle moving.

“I’m going inside.” Darling was turning to leave.

“No, wait. My bad.” Blackadder stopped him by grabbing Darling’s elbow with no sense of apology. “Tell me more about your condition. I’m sure since all of the girls are kissing Baldrick to his death now, you won’t find any available girls inside, or boys.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Darling avoided his stare.

“I think you know perfectly what I mean by that.” Blackadder didn’t let go. “Now let’s hear something more about your condition. Come on. I’m fascinated. You can’t find listeners like me everyday.”

Darling sighed. “I’ve got this condition since very little. But it was only this bad after my mother died. Have you satisfied your cruel curiosity now?”

“So did she make it better when she was alive? By massaging or perhaps some ointment ? Or beat you with a broom?”

“No! She... she often kissed it better.” Darling looked down at their shoes, shoulders dropped. His face was shadowed by a vague darkness when a piece of cloud gently covered the moon. The warm evening wind stroke his hair and left some small fine hairs sticking up.

Blackadder slowly moved his hands from Darling’s elbows to his shoulders, afraid to startle the man who quickly looked up. And then, with a touch of soft tenderness he hadn’t have for many years, he landed a kiss on Darling’s left eye, just below the eyebrow.

“Like this, darling?” Blackadder retreated to a safe distance, but still keeping his hands lingering on Darling’s shoulders.

Darling stared back at him in surprise. His eyes, wide and big, full of unexpected thrills and deep emotions. Then he stretched out a genuine smile. Blackadder found Darling was not twitching any more. It was a quick therapy.

“Yes, just like this.” Darling smiled sheepishly at him. “Maybe without the moustache.”

//

Meanwhile, George tried to hid himself behind a fruit cup. The problem is he is just too tall, it looks like a fruit cup suddenly growing out a pair of absurdly long legs.

“Miss, why are you here?” Someone asked.

“Oh, nothing, nothing. I think my pearls were dropped here somewhere.” George squeaked.

“But you are wearing your pearls, sir.” George found it turned out to be Baldrick.

“Oh, thank god! Baldrick! I couldn’t breathe with these things strapped to my torso, digging into my ribs.” He gestured at his fake breasts. “Yes, Baldrick, could you stand here and watch for me while I can adjust them quickly? I can’t use the toilet. Not the man’s of course, but the lady’s? God, no.”

Baldrick stood in front of the fruit cup in a very chivalrous way, very gentlemanly, very decorous, guarding his maid in distress who was pulling off the top of his dress and untie his bra.

“Oh, here you are, Ricky!” Some girls called out for him, “Come dance with us.”

Behind him, George quickly got down on his knees to hide himself.

“No, sorry, ladies. I prefer to stay here for a while.”

“Alright, then. You baddie. We’ll stay with you here.”

“I mean, I prefer to stay here alone?”

“Why?”

“Eh, because... I’m a lonely wolf...prefer the company of fruits...than girls.”

“Oh, you little cutie!” The girls all giggled at his words.

“Ah, excuse me, ladies. Have you seen my fair Georgina? Blonde, big blue eyes, cute pointy nose, about the same height as me? I can’t find her anywhere.” General Melchett approached them.

While the girls were gossiping together with the General, George patted Baldrick’s legs under the long table, and Baldrick very cleverly swiped the fruit cup to the floor and got down to talk with George.

“Get them away! I can’t zip my dress! It’s stuck!”

“How, sir?”

“I don’t know! Just distract them!”

“Leave it to me, sir.”

Baldrick got up and quickly found a bottle of champagne on the table. He soon had a cunning plan.

“Anyone for champagne?” He secretly shook the bottle and pointed the bottle mouth to Melchett’s direction.

“Watch it, young man!” Melchett grabbed the bottle and made him point to the table , behind where was George hiding.

At that same moment, Baldrick opened it, George stood up, trying to flee.

//

“You know, I may miss our rivalry when you are away in Lon...” before Darling could finish his words. A large bang sound came from the other side of the curtains. When they were about to check out what on earth had happened. Were Germans in here? George was almost running backwards into the veranda, still using both hands to block the bursting champagne in from the bottle Baldrick was holding.

“What the hell? George!”

The next minute, both of them, Darling and himself, were pushed off over the edge by George and landed in the swimming pool below.

In the cold water, before Blackadder could utter out a swear, seconds later, George jumped in, too.

Above them, came the booming voice of Melchett, “How dare you, George? Where is my beloved Georgina? Why are you in her dress? Stand up straight when I’m talking to you!”

Blackadder sighed.

“You know, Darling. I don’t think you will. I’m not going anywhere. Just here in this DUMP!“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, after years of reading fanfictions and giggling at dirty fanarts, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
> 
> You know, just sometimes, in between the first Johnlock tumblr joke in the morning to that four hundredth Hannigram twisted fanfiction at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
> 
> This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.  
> //  
> yes, about Darling's twitch. I have a childhood friend who has exactly the same condition, perhaps even worse when she was a child. She would shake her right shoulder and her right eye twitched at the same time frequently. Fortunately, she managed to shrug it off when older. I guess it was sort of caused by the nerve or minor trauma from family life. 
> 
> Anyway, it's not good to pry, but my point is, Darling probably had a tough childhood. Father ran off before he was born, mother died when he was young, raised by aunts from mother's side, bullied by boys during puberty. I think the last name Darling probably suggests some nobleness. So let's imagine a young wastrel met an actress and they soon hit it off, but after they got married, the man ran off with other woman. Mrs Darling raised the child alone. 
> 
> There's actually a picture stuck in my mind that a little Darling in his shorts, running on the beach with his mother-- an elegant lady in a blue dress behind watching her darling son. Right, also, I had this feeling that Darling was probably later raised by his aunt who was very strict with him, after Mrs Darling died. Darling found out his sexuality during school years and tried to suppress this but failed. It was a constant struggle. He lied about his age then joined the army to run away from his past, hoping to cure himself with army life. This explained his complex relationship with Blackadder that he was attracted to BA (don't ask me why, I don't know. Probably bc he has nice cars? like the gorgeous Maclaren F1? oops, no, sorry. got carried away.) alright, alright, probably bc BA saw him as an interesting trinket/puppy/pussycat etc to tease rather than someone to bully. Someone actually found him interesting and was willing to spend time with him, even was by teasing him. BA is more like a fatherly figure that Darling craves for in my imagination, or to be more precise, a big brother to protect him from all the horrors and hurt. Father, brother, whatever, or even like his mother, so in this chapter, BA's kiss can comfort him after feeling nervous about exposing his sexuality. BA can upset Darling but also making him feel safe.  
> Right, that's enough chracter studies. I'm really curious what's Tim's version of Darling's background. I'm sure being a wonderful actor who takes things seriously, he must have developed something more serious (and of course, less slashier)than this. Blackadder's character studies will be in the end notes of the next chapter


	4. T for Tears

“What’re you doing here, Blackadder?” General Melchett asked while looking at the map from Darling’s desk.

“Ah, sir. I just pop in to join the royal flying corps.” Blackadder closed the door behind him. He saw Darling quickly lowered his head to pretend to be studying the map carefully. Let’s just say that there had been a lot of tensions since their short encounter on the veranda last week.

“Good lad, Blackadder! I never thought you’ve had it in you. Such courage ! And strength!” He slapped Blackadder on the back. “By the way, you’re not married, are you?”

“No,sir.” Blackadder frowned. “Don’t need a wife to worry sick to death when hopping on a plane, raiding German territory, and celebrating in Paris with French peasant girls.”

“Good. But you’re not young, Blackadder. You need some feminine strength in your life.”

“Sir, are you saying that I should act more like Earle of Doncaster in the future, sitting on other man’s laps and feeding him grapes, calling him ‘my little darling’?” Blackadder glanced at Darling, finding him blushing heavily from his collar.

“Hahaha, no, of course not. Actually, I want you to meet my sister Daphne this Saturday. She’s at the age of needing a man, strong and steady, just like you, to care for her.” Melchett let Blackadder sit down and offered him a cigarette.

“And, pray, excuse me for wanting to know more about your sister, sir. Is she your youngest sister?”

“She’s my twin sister, Blackadder. I’m sure you’ll find her a lovely woman.”

Blackadder gasped. Nobody wanted to marry an evil female-version twin of fat old Melchett! A lovely woman? More like a lovely crone.

“Glad as I am, I must decline, sir. I find myself one of nature’s bachelors. Women don’t have that much charm in my life, I’m afraid. When the great course is still going on, thousands of men working their fingers to bones, how could I indulge myself in little things, such like marriage?” Blackadder put out his cigarette.

“Well, that’s a pity. I was hoping to give her a nice house in London, where she and her husband can settle down.”

“You mean, transferred back to London after our engagement?”

“Ah, thinking about engagement, eh? I know you can’t be one of those bachelors by nature. Only fairies call themselves by that these days. You’re not a nancy-pansie, are you?”

“No, sir.”

“Good. Very good. Then this Saturday it is. Funny you should mention the Earle of Doncaster, I just met the Duke of Beaufort the other day. We went to Oxford together years ago. And he told me a really interesting anecdote that the Earle of Doncaster never farts in bed! Isn’t it hilarious? Ha.”

Blackadder arched both eyebrows, “Yes, indeed sir.”

“Well then, ask Darling for applications forms. I must dash. Meetings can’t be held themselves, you know.”

With Melchett left, the atmosphere in the room became somehow awkward.

When lying on his cot, Blackadder sometimes thought about the dangerous but sweet impulse he had of kissing Darling on his eye on the veranda that evening. It was just that, on the thought of leaving this war and struggle and the horrible life behind at that time, he found himself sorry for Darling having to stay behind. Seeing his old enemy dropping his eyes, droopy lips, all hurt and lonely under the moonlight, he guessed this just did things to him, raising a manly sense of protectiveness inside him and of course, poking his soft caring heart that was long forgotten. It seemed so wrong now. He knew perfectly well he shouldn’t have done it. He had no idea how to face Darling if the other man took it seriously and clearly he did. Should Blackadder consider this as a simple act of playfulness? Of flirting? Of mingling with fellow officers? He didn’t know.

After that night, this was the first time they had to speak to each other. During the entire week, Blackadder made Baldrick or George answer the phone and only found out it was not from Darling, but other secretaries. It was clearly that they had been both hiding from each other.

Darling silently gave him an application form. He said thank you then sat down to fill it.

“Do you have others’ forms that I can refer to? I have no idea what to put down under the question of ‘do you live by the river in your hometown and have you got any donkeys that can speak French’”

Darling gave him one quickly without raising his head.

“Darling, are you joining the Women’s auxiliary ballon corps?” Blackadder frowned at the form in his hands.

On realising giving Blackadder the wrong form, Darling stood up and grabbed the form from Blackadder’s hands.

“None of your business! And it’s Captain Darling to you. Captain Blackadder!”

Noticing the coldness in his words, Blackadder couldn’t think of anything to say but to fill his form in silence.

“Thank you.” He gave his form back to Darling.

Darling glued his head to the desk and refused to look at him.

“Alright, I’m leaving.” Blackadder stood up and went for the door.

“I will go back to London this Thursday, so wish you a very happy marriage, Blackadder.” Darling suddenly said with animosity in his voice.

“So that’s what gets you. Listen, I...”

“Shut up and get out!” Darling cried out.

“What happened last week...”

“Please! Blackadder. Just leave. I’ve had enough of you. I can’t do this. Not today. Not even tomorrow. Let’s just pretend nothing had happened.” Darling said tiredly.

For Blackadder, didn’t know what to say because he, himself couldn’t reach a conclusion about what did happen that night. Full of guilty, he closed the door and left.

//

“Did you say Blackadder landed on the German side?” Darling widened his eyes when George rushed in with the bad news this Thursday morning.

“Yes, Captain. You see, that’s why I’m here. I just asked the General to send for a special squad to rescue him and Baldrick. Are you alright, Captain Darling?” Seeing Darling went all pale and hollow, George grabbed him by both elbows. “Do you need to sit down?”

“No, no, I’m fine.” Darling sat down. “But the General will never agree. We don’t know whether these two men are still alive or not.”

“Yes, he did say no.” George showed a sad face.

“Your car to the train station is here, Captain.” Young Bobbie appeared at the door.

“No, not now. I can’t not possibly...” Darling covered his face with both hands.

“But you’re already late, sir. The train will leave in half an hour.” Bobbie asked with concern.

“Damn the train! Damn the women auxiliary ballon corps! Dam London! Damn the Germans and damn the blasted Blackadder!” Darling bursted out, frightening everyone here.

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence. Then George offered Bobbie a chair.

“Bobbie, I trust you know Lord Flashheart very well?” George asked.

“Yes, very well indeed.” Bobbie smiled shyly.

“Do you know where to get him?”

“Yes, in fact, he blowed his numbers on my bedroom’s wall with revolvers.”

On hearing this, Darling suddenly raised his head.

“You don’t mean...” he said to George.

“Yes, I am. Captain.” George smiled.

//

Blackadder sat against the prison wall, reflecting his whole life, again, while watching Baldrick sleeping in the corner.

Since he just had one reflection about his childhood and youth just a few months ago when in a British cell, the bit about over-emotionally regretting of waste of time passed very quickly.

It was funny all he could think now was one sly acrimonious office-boy this whole time.

Given enough time to think carefully about their relationship, if there was any, he pushed himself to think deeper about what happened between him and Darling.

Why did he kiss him on the eye?

Exactly why?

For a start, it didn’t make sense at all. He is a man. Darling is a man, though he constantly mocked him about that. But compared to the creature snoring soundly next to him here, he thought, Darling can deserve the title of being a man.

Of course he knew there was something fishy about Darling, fantasy about big men in leather shorts. But the problem is, anyone can be a poof and he couldn’t care less. It wasn’t Darling grabbing him and drooping saliva all over his face. It was he himself slightly tiptoed (yes, for they are about the same height) and landed a feather-light kiss on Darling.

No, it wasn’t about Darling blasted dead mother. Even Darling said his creepy uncle used to kiss him like that wouldn’t change the fact that Blackadder wanted to take him in his arms and kiss him.

Hang on a minute.

When did he say anything about hugging and kissing passionately? Did he want to do that? Holding Darling in his arms to kiss his sad lips to see his face lit up? Nibbling the corner of his mouth to make him smile and giggle? Having him panting and sweating under...

He really needed to stop this obscene self-review. It was getting hot under his collar and an erection was really the last thing he needed in a German prison.

Well, what was his conclusion then?

He may have developed a kind of affinity towards his rivalry and was deeply guilty about humiliating him while sucking up to Melchett for a transfer to London.

But now, nothing mattered any more. Soon he would be rogered to death by big men in leather shorts with sausages in his mouth, and he wasn’t referring to the food. He was sort of glad that Darling would be in London now. Even in the woman’s auxiliary ballon corps was better than staying 35 miles from the front line.

He wished the best for him and prepared to embrace his doomed fate.

That was when Flashheart made his glamours entrance and made the room a hot resemblance of a dog pet shop when one blasted puppy yaps firstly.

//

“Captain Darling, isn’t it?” Lord Flashheart ambled into the office.

“Yes, sir! Have you... did you...” Darling stuttered.

“Of course! The German prison was like any girls I met, so damn easy to BREAK INTO!” Flashheart rested his hands on his hips with triumph.

“Yes, sir. But did you see them?” Darling tried to mask his anxiousness.

“Ah, about that.” Flashheart came closer to Darling and clapped him on the back. “Captain, I’m sorry. There are times even a superhero, like myself, can’t do everything. I’m afraid, I was summoned too late and Captain Blackadder was already gone when I arrived.”

“Do you mean he was...” Darling went white and his body shook uncontrollably.

“Yes, for a moment, I thought he was just too overjoyed to see me that his head fell off.” Flashheart threw a bag to Darling. “But I brought him back.”

Darling dropped the bag to the floor and backed up immediately to stay with from it.

Then he was tripped by a pair of boots in front of his desk. Darling fell to the floor and took a good look at the owner of the boots that made him stumbled.

“Blackadder?!” Darling sat on the wooden floor with his mouth gaping open, seeing Captain Blackadder leaning on his desk with foot stretching in front of him in a crossed way.

“I thought you were dead.”

“No, darling. Back here safe and sound. Thanks to Flashheart.” Blackadder gave a small disgusted but very grateful nod towards the blonde sex machine. “And I thought you were gone.”

He stood up and offered a hand to Darling to help him up. Slowly and shakily, Darling took it.

At the moment their hands touching, Darling had to cover his face with his left hand to shield his tears from the other two men in the room.

Blackadder froze right there, not knowing what to say next. All his witty quips left him when seeing fat drops of tears running down Darling’s face.

“I’m sorry. I’ve got something in my eyes.” Darling apologised, even couldn’t hide his sobs.

“You mean tears?” Flashheart came to them and frowned at Darling. Blackadder glared at him.

“Well, Darling. It’s a funny name for a guy, isn’t it? The last person I called Darling was pregnant 20 seconds later.” Flashheart received more glares from Blackadder. “Well, no offence, mate. I give you back your man and my job here is done. Must fly. What can old Britannia do without me flying all over her face?!”

“And Blackadder? Remember, if you want something, take it! Bobbie!”

Before the lady driver showed up, Flashheart lowered his voice to speak to Blackadder, “There are not only female worshippers, you know. But with millions of chicks launching themselves to me every minute, there’s hardly time to do the male side a bit of good. If you know what I mean by that. Keep it up, Slackbladder!”

Then off the great Lord Flashheart.

“Flaming git.”

//

“Now there were only two men, staring at each other in the room. One tearful and embarrassed, and the other content and smug, both tired.

“Well, do you know what happens to the last person I called darling after 20 seconds, Darling?” Blackadder spoke softly.

“What?” Darling sniffed a little.

“I don’t know either. I was hoping he won’t hit me on the nose later.”

“What do you mean...” Before Darling muttered out his last word, Blackadder grabbed his face and kissed him.

Darling kissed him back after a moment of stunning surprise. He had his fingers on the lapels of Blackadder’s Air Force long coat, feeling the warmth and the scent of leather.

“Please don’t hit me. If you have to, please avoid the nose. I’m very proud of it.”Blackadder said to Darling’s mouth after both parted to catch breath.

“You bastard.” Darling whispered back and then dragged Blackadder forward for another one.

And they quickly broke apart the moment Melchett opened the door.

“Welcome back, Blackadder! Glad you made it. I don’t know what to tell my sister if you snuff it.” Then Melchett turned to Darling, “Darling? I’m surprised to find you still here. Obviously, you can’t leave your good old General behind to go to London, can you?”

Behind the general, Blackadder gestured at his tie that was dragged out moments earlier.

“...yes, sir.” Darling straightened his jacket when Melchett was not watching.

“Remember your date this Saturday, Blackadder. She’s anxious to see you.” Melchett turned to leave.

“Ah, about that, sir. I’ve given it some serious thoughts and realise that I am indeed one of the bachelors by nature. Though a very good women your sister is, I’m sure, I’m afraid I’m not worthy enough to make her a happy woman.”

“Really? God, you’re the twelfth man said no. What happened to you officers these days? All gone bonkers and turn into total whoopsies to miss out such a charming woman?”

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I imagine Darling's story to be a really restraint(occasionally,self-indulgence) one with strugglings about recognizing himself, BA's story can be one of pursuing freedom. Same with D, BA's biological father disappeared when he was young, probably a con-man. Then he was mainly raised by his step-father, Percy Perkins. Yes, also a Percy. A simple, honest and kind worker. That's what sets him and D apart. In the fourth series, Percy never appeared(yes, in the third series, the prince basically is a Percy but without such naiveness. So I want to insert him somewhere in s4 to make up for the gap.) Percy--the step dad, treated him well. But BA, being an intelligent, often bitter and acrimonious grumpy teenager, didn't have enough respect for this simple man. Although, I think, he may really love his step dad just like BA1&2 to their Percys.
> 
> Anyway, BA grew up in a small environment, so he fled to London to see the big world out there. And, if we're talking about slash, he did experiment a bit in those Turkish baths, dingy pubs... and found out he enjoy it. He had freedom as a teenager, but as an adult, he was looking for even more freedom. Joining the army probably was because of him finding that being a lower-middle class gent at that time can't get him much so he chose to pursue a career in the army (when not at war, or at wars with weaponless African people, the army life can be quite easy.)
> 
> Amazingly, all Blackadders lived under suppression, even as a prince, a lord, and later a butler for a prince, then a captain in the army, yet they were all trying to break free or advance to a better level. The prince tried to overthrow his brother and father to become king. The lord tried to marry the queen. The butler tried to make some fortunes. And in the end, the dreams really sink to the level of staying alive.
> 
> Back to D and BA's relationship, I think in the series, BA just loved to tease D, as some sort of relief to his terrible life. But, as we're talking about fanfictions and girly imagination here, the following is only made up by me in this fic. At first, BA needed to realise that D's fear of going to the front was perfectly normal. He had to abandon his contempt towards this office boy. Then he found out Darling saved his life by reporting his case early to the minister. And after an experimental flirt on the veranda, he found out probably he was a little bit turned on. Come on, he's an adventurer and probably a con-man, for this kind of cunning flirty thing is in his blood. But he didn't expect that D really really loves him when he returned from the prison. Even though he's charming(certainly not to my mom. She just can't stop laughing when "Mr Bean" talks.),sophisticated, witty, BA didn't think he could be loved. To every Blackadder, there really isn't one girl(person) who loves him(yes, I know it's a sitcom, not "love actually". btw, if you like "love actually" and "notting hill", and you're a slash fan, you are welcomed to check out my fic about shipping Max&Rufus. I know, it's horrible. I can't stop it.) So I guess, he's moved.
> 
> That's about Blackadder. God, I'd never think that I will be shipping Blackadder when I first watched BA years ago. Time does change people. I was all about Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock at that time. And now with the finale ruined by those two (swearing here) writers, I'm now shipping grandpas and seem to be very proud of it.


	5. R for... well, Restricted Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult (But I don't think you want your parents to read this with you)

“Come!” Darling called out at the knock on the door, knowing fully well who it was outside.

Blackadder opened the door and grinned. “Hello, darling.”

Darling stood up to greet him. “You know, the General insisted that every visitor should be frisked.”

“Yes, how convenient.” He put down his gloves and cap on Darling’s desk.

“No funny business. Don’t be cheeky.” Darling smiled.

“Of course, no funny business, pure sex. I’ve arrived twenty minutes earlier. That should be enough.” Blackadder put both hands above the fireplace. “Come on, then. Do your job, Captain.”

“No! It’s too risky. Everyone can come in and catch us in the middle... well, in the middle of the body search.” Darling pulled Blackadder’s hands down from the fireplace.

“You brought up the frisking thing, now don’t make me show you how to do your job.” Blackadder, in turn, got hold of Darling’s hands in each hand.

“Let go! You’ll get us court martial-ed. Two years of hard labour and ridiculed by the entire army.” Though said no, Darling was still willingly led by Blackadder back to his desk.

“Now, Captain. Will you please part your legs for me?” Blackadder made him stood against the desk. And Darling did so.

“We can’t do it on my desk! I work here, everyday!”

“Yes, and isn’t it lovely this happy memory will be reminded every time you fill some useless forms on it? Now. Legs. Open. Captain. Don’t make me order you again,” Blackadder demanded. “Or do you prefer I use the German accent? What’s the word for ‘legs’ in German? Anyway...”

“It’s die Beine. I’d like to see you try ordering me, Captain.” Darling laughed out and amenably stood with legs apart.

“Good.” Blackadder reached his hands down to slowly stroke Darling’s legs, one leg each, from knee to the upper thigh. When reaching for the sensitive area, Blackadder looked up to see Darling breathing heavily, staring at his move silently. Then gently stood up, Blackadder put his hand, hot and wet, firmly on Darlin’s crotch, while looking him straight into the eyes. He rubbed it through the trousers and Darling had to lean on him to keep standing. His hands grasped Blackadder’s belt and then Darling rested his face on Blackadder’s right shoulder, carefully avoiding chafing his face with the epaulettes on it.

They were still unfamiliar with each other’s body. Blackadder knew Darling had sensitive ears so he brushed his lips across the other man’s earlobe, and felt Darling shivering against him.

“Well, don’t wet your pants, kid.” Blackadder whispered.

“Don’t call me that. I’m of the same age as you,” Darling protested.

“Two years younger, actually. Don’t forget you lied about your age when joining the army.

With shaky hands, Darling unbuttoned Blackadder’s trousers front and put his hand in to give it a hard stroke.

“Easy! It’s not detachable. If it were so, you could carry it all day in your pocket like some sort of lucky hare feet and play with it every night.” Blackadder held Darling’s hand to make him stop.

“Don’t be so vulgar, Blackadder.” Darling blushed heavily and made his move softer.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be superstitious. Well, it doesn’t have to be like a tiny rabbit feet, it should more be compared to some sort of automatic cannon.”

“Yes, indeed, a lose one, one that can’t even hit anything further than 10 yards.”

Blackadder squinted, “I wasn’t thinking about hitting anything before I came. You made me. Don’t blame anyone but yourself if you can’t sit down for the rest of the day. Now, brace yourself for the ED-BA cannon and prepare to face your worst destiny.”

Darling giggled and was ushered to sit on his desk, pushing his paperworks aside. Blackadder stood between his open legs and lifted Darling’s jacket hem to get his braces off the trousers waistband. Darling leant back with hands behind on the desk to support himself, watching Blackadder fondle with the small buttons.

“Come on, be useful. Why do I have to do all the bloody job?” Blackadder said while pressing closer to hook his arms around Darling to deal with the buttons behind.

Darling took this chance to suck at a small patch of skin on Blackadder’s exposed neck and was quite pleased that the other man let out a small sigh.

“You are the one used to hanging around the Turkish bath,” he said it to his fellow officer’s ear.

“Though I’m glad to hear you’re convinced of my past abundant experiences, darling, I still have to point out if there is one of us more used to this, it is you. All those boy prefects, older distant cousins, little touchy in the garden sheds, kissing under the staircase at night, you do get a pretty early head start.” Blackadder dragged down Darling’s trousers &underpants and let them hang around his knees, then quickly freed himself from the restraining uniform.

“Now, about time. We’d better hurry up for you wasting our time with your clumsiness.”Blackadder drew open a small bottle with clear liquid lubricant in it, had some on his fingers and arched an eyebrow at Darling.

“Ssh...your hand...is...oh god, is almost as cold as your... heart, Blackadder.” Darling clung onto the man and dug fingers into his shoulders while complaining.

“Thank you, and do call me Edmund.” Blackadder brought in another finger and was pretty smug about the fact that Darling was closely attached to him like the dead slug used to stuck to Baldrick’s upper lip before it died a peaceful death.

“How’s it feeling now?” Blackadder asked. “Ready for the big push, Captain? I can see Kevin junior is pretty excited about it.”

Darling nodded slightly, hiding his hot burning face in the crook of Blackadder’s neck.

“Good, let’s see how long you can hold it before you cry this time.”

“For how many times, Blackadder, I’m not a weeping tosser dubbing on various melancholy situations. If you keep saying that, everyone will think I’m as camp as Private Flam Boyant Hoopies of the camp Poofston in Shingaycum.”

“We’ll see about that, shall we?” Blackadder ripped open the wrapping with his teeth.

“Edmund?”

“Yes, darling?” He was busy putting it on and didn’t look up to meet Darling’s face.

“I...I...never mind.”

“Yes, me too. But if you wanted to say you have syphilis, my answer will also be, me too, thanks to you.”

“No, no, I mean that, not syphilis, no.” Darling gave Blackadder a grin.

“You know, I never thought that one day, I’ll take you on this desk. Millions of times when I walked in here and thought, what a nuisance to be here, seeing you with your stupid pencils. And now, I start to appreciate it.”

“Well, I have, as a matter of fact. ”

“You’ve fantasised about me before? Well, well, well. What a pleasant surprise? Tell me about it. You must have been long coveting me, haven’t you? Can’t resist the charm,” Blackadder said while preparing himself for the entrance.

“Yes...no.” Darling turned not to look at him.

Blackadder came in slowly, his knees weak and his heart bumping crazily. Darling held onto him tightly like he was the only thing in this world he could cling to. He buried his face in Darling’s brown hair; they slowly falling into a steady rhythm.

The desk under was shaking slightly, but surprisingly not one sound of the annoying creaking. He felt hot and breathless, reaching one hand to loose his tie. Darling pressed his leaving hand back on his waist, as if knowing what he was thinking, he drew both hands from Blackadder’s back and reached to take out the tie-pin and loosen the tie for him. And then, cupping Blackadder’s face for an open-mouth kiss.

“Touch me, Edmund.” Darling whispered to him.

“Where would I touch you when you imagined this before?” He breathed heavily, gasping for air.

Darling guided his lover’s hand through his jacket hem and shirt tail. Blackadder gave it a gentle stroke and Darling let out a small cry.

“Tell me, is this close to your girly imagination when you were filling some pathetic forms and thinking about me?” Blackadder tightened his grip and played with the base of it.

Darling closed his eyes and capitulated.

“Sometimes, when I’m sitting there, maybe drafting the general’s speech, and...and you just rushed through that door...pulling all my things to the floor and...”

“And what? I get court-martialed?”

“No, I threaten you that, of course. Buy you won’t listen. We will get in a bit of fight and you...you pin me to the desk.”

Blackadder held Darling down suddenly, getting the other captain’s head banged to the desk.

“Ouch! I’ll have you court-martialed for this, Blackadder!”

“Yes, Yes, we’ve past that, and then what?”

“You shut me up with your mouth.”

Blackadder kissed Darling quickly. Darling hooked his legs around his waist, pulling his closer, almost killed him right there.

“And you cock blow off.” Darling laughed.

Blackadder thrusted into him really hard. The desk shook a little.

“Is this what you’ve got?” Darling gasped.

Blackadder moved his hand to the top, pressing his thumb down and teasing the sensitive spot brusquely. Milky fluids wet his fingers and this sight of Darling shaking under him made him even more excited with his movements.

“Look, you shouldn’t snap my wrist if you want this. I’m not raping you, stop acting like it’s non-consensual.”

Darling apologetically withdrew his hand from Blackadder’s right wrist, awkwardly not knowing where to put his hand suddenly.

“No, you can put it there, just don’t crush it.”

He put his hand back, mildly sprawling on his lover’s wrist, enjoying this unusual indulgence from a normally cynical curmudgeon. Their hands moving up and down together as one. Blackadder felt Darling panting beneath him. The lewd sound they made while he pressing deeper and deeper inside was echoing in this big empty office. They both caught sight of themselves in the full-length mirror by the wall, eyes met for a brief second to shamelessly exchange unspoken passions of eating forbidden fruit together. At that moment, they were like a pair of schoolboys, skipping classes to smoke in the backyard. All the war, the horror, the sword of Damocles hanging above their heads, were all gone. All there left were them and nothing else. Darling raised and kissed him the last time on the mouth.

Moments later, both men came. Darling collapsed on the desk, with Blackadder holding the end of the desk tightly, regaining his breathe.

//

“Darling? Are you in there?” General Melchett’s loud voice came from outside.

“Bugger!” They both took little time re-arranging their appearances and Darling went to open the door.

“Kevin Darling, you are arrested under suspicion of being a German spy.” Melchett said after entering.

“What?” Both men in the room shouted with unexpectedness.

“Get him out of here, will you?” Melchett sent in the guards for Darling.

“Sir, I’m not a German spy! There must be some terrible mistake! Please, sir!” Darling cried, but Melchett shut the door on his face.

Blackadder just couldn’t believe his eyes. “General, Captain Darling, a German spy? Surely you have good reasons?”

“Ah, Blackadder. Of course! Our men found secret letters about our newest weapon in German, in Darling’s room! Isn’t it horrible? I had a German spy working for me for all these years. I mean, I almost saw him as a son! Who’d have thought that?” Then Melchett turned to face him. “You two have always had a bit of testy squabbles. Have you noticed something unusual?”

Blackadder suddenly remembered why Darling knew the word legs in German, and he felt his heart sunk a little.

“No, sir. I’m very surprised as well.”

“Yes, Blackadder. I summoned you here to offer you a job, to handle a very delicate matter. According to one of our spies, there was clearly another leak from the Field Hospital. Damn it. It’s not an army but a giant sieve! A leak here. A leak there. If we can’t get them all, I can never take a leak comfortably.”

“And the job is, sir?”

“Yes, I want you to go undercover into the Field Hospital. Root this spy or these spies out! You’ll have three weeks. Understood?”

“Perfectly, sir. But I wish to see Captain Darling before beginning my undercover. I think it might be useful to interrogate him to try to get some information, if he is really a German spy.”

“Good. You can see him today. He will be court martial-ed this weekend. So you’d better be quick.”

Blackadder flew out of the room.

//

When the light was on his face, hurting his eyes, he was almost into tears.

“Captain Darling, I’m only calling you this as a respect for our past histories. Now, could you explain why you can speak German? “ Blackadder said coldly.

“Blackadder? Don’t you believe me? After... all we’ve been through?” Darling was cuffed to the chair, with his hands at the back, opening his eyes wide despite the blinding light on his face, searching for any kind of emotion on Blackadder’s face.

“Explain why you can speak German.” It was an order.

“My mother’s German. That’s why a woman wants to marry someone with a last name ‘Darling’.” Darling laughed bitterly.

“Any relatives in Germany?”

“Only few cousins haven’t been in touch for years.”

Darling eyed Blackadder, anxiously trying to find the same man he was with this morning.

“Cigarette?” Blackadder popped one into his mouth without him answering, fingers lingering on Darling’s lips. Then stood back and had one in his own mouth. Darling looked up at him, wetting his lips, dragging his tongue slowly across his dry lips while with the cigarette in his mouth. Blackadder met his eyes for a moment, just staring at him silently.

“Could I have a light?” Darling asked.

Blackadder came to light it with cold steady hands and then forgot to light his own.

The tobacco gave him a feeling of security. He hoped these stupid questions could come to an end soon.

“And this is your hand-writing.” Blackadder showed him a couple of letters.

He was frozen. It was. But he had never seen those letters before.

“IS THIS your hand-writing?” The man asked again.

He didn’t say anything.

Then the next second, a rough hand slapped him on the mouth. The lighted cigarette landed on his trousers, burning out a tiny hole in it.

He was shocked. And inside, he felt something died.

Darling looked up at Blackadder, eyes almost wet, and nodded.

“But I didn’t write them. It’s a frame-up.”

“It’s very hard to believe it when everyone says the same.”

Darling felt nauseated, he haven’t ate for hours.

“But Blackadder, Edmund. Knowing me that well, you can not possibly think I’m working for Germans.” He implored in a hush tone.

“You said you don’t think I know you that well before.” Blackadder crossed his arms.

“But we.. we slept together!” Darling murmured.

“Yes and I sleep with George and Baldrick every night and still not sure about what kind of creature Baldrick is and how many brain cells does George have.”

The room was cold. The only sound was the rain dropping from the roof outside.

“What’s your name?” Blackadder suddenly asked.

“Kevin Darling.”

“What’s your name?”

“Kevin Darling!”

“Kaiser Darling!” Blackadder shouted.

Darling looked defeated.

“Your signature here. Kaiser. That’s the name your mother used to call you, isn’t it? I think only few people know that.”

Darling looked down and refused to say a word.

“We’re done here. Kaiser.” Blackadder walked cross him towards the door.

The light was dead and he saw darkness all around him.

All he could hear was the sound of Blackadder’s boots storming away in the rain.

//

“You are really a healthy man, Captain Blackadder,” said nurse Mary.

“Why, thank you. Please call me Edmund.”

They were in her office, drinking whiskey from the bottle in turns.

“Edmund, I thought you were going to spend more days here. Have you got the spy you’re after?” She passed the bottle to Blackadder.

“Well, duty’s calling in the trenches. But I’m glad I have found the right man. But don’t you spread it around. Let the sleeping dog rest. Or shall I say, let the Bouche eat their sausages.”

“Really, congratulations.” She stood up. “Tell me, is there anyone special in your life, Edmund?”

“Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.”

Nurse Mary started to unbutton her blouse. “Who?”

“Someone I cherished and loved and wanted to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt, who shows two little canine teeth when smiling and had those small bunny lines on the nose when wrinkled.”

“Sounds like a really lovely girl. But why do you use past-tense? Has something gone wrong?”

“I lost her. I don’t think she’ll ever want to see me again.” Blackadder closed his eyes.

“Then, Edmund. Let me take your sorrows away.” She grabbed Blackadder’s hand and put it on her naked bosoms.

“You’re lovely too. Mary. But you are not her.” He withdrew his hand.

“What she’s got that I don’t have?” Mary covered her body angrily.

“Everything. I don’t mean to ridicule you. You’re a charming woman. Any man will voluntarily kneeled down at your feet. But you are not...her.” Blackadder stood up and went straight to the door. “Goodnight, Mary. Don’t forget tomorrow 8 Am, I’ll pick you up to see the General. He’s excited to hear our report.”

//

Darling sat on his prison bed, staring into the dark. He had been doing it since his last interrogation with Blackadder. Others had also interrogated him, but he seemed to have lost all the will to survive.

Is your name Kaiser? Yes.

Is this your handwriting? Yes.

Are you a German spy? Yes.

But he was too tired to make up any details for it. All he could do was to say yes and no after hours and hours of torture.

Then a guard unlocked his cell door, and someone walked in, probably another officer to make him come out with more details of his treason. He stood up obediently, ready to be put on handcuffs.

“I’m sorry. I cut in the line of all the people outside coming to say goodbye.”

He looked up and saw it was Blackadder.

His dignity was left little that he couldn’t even manage a single word to make this monster get out.

“In fact, the general sent me to give you his personal apology.”

“Apology? Why?”

“For putting you in prison for a week by mistake. And... the false accusation of you being a German spy.”

“Oh, so things are clear now.” Darling said emotionlessly.

“Yes, they got the nurse in the Field Hospital who was a German spy and she gave out her colleague, Captain Evans, who framed you deliberately to divert the attention from himself to you.” Blackadder explained in detail and waited.

But Darling only managed out, “Good. Can I go back to the HQ now?”

“Yes, Yes of course.”

Darling started to walk out, passing Blackadder as if not seeing him.

“Do you really hate me, darling?” Blackadder said when Darling was about to past the door.

At that time, their roles reversed but this time, Darling gave him a straightforward answer unlike months ago his silence for this question.

“Yes.”

//

Darling had a week’s leave back to England. Blackadder couldn’t catch him before he boarded the train back to London.

Do you hate me? Yes.

This hurt him so much.

He knew Darling couldn’t be a German spy all along. Even though there was only a slightest piece of doubt in his mind when finding out Darling’s German root, but he was ready to give his life and honour to this man even if he really is a sausage-eating humourless creep.

He had to do this because he couldn’t afford to startle the real spy in the HQ. Sometimes the logical answer is not the best answer to a question.

He abandoned him in a prison cell with death threatens and endless torture and interrogations for a week. That was unforgivable. He didn’t blame Darling for hating him. He deserved this, for he, after all, was still a cold-blooded selfish git who cared for no one but himself.

He lit another cigarette, remembering the pain when hitting on Darling’s face and the cigarette brunt his palm. The night wore on and he didn’t feel sleepy. The gunfire was getting thicker these days and he was afraid he couldn’t see that special someone again, who he wants to cherish and love and keep from all the horror and the hurt, before getting shot in the heart on the no man’s land.

Turning around, he found Baldrick was shaking under his thin covers in this cold evening. He drew his own blanket and put on top of Baldrick, carefully keeping his head out of the covers, looking at the Private for a while then looked up to check on George.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I’ve always thought Captain Blackadder to be a rather caring and tentative lover if he could love somebody other than himself. He’s a pretty selfish person in the series. We can see that from him taking George’s painting as his own. But somehow this selfishness is almost all about escaping from his doomed fate of having to go on the no man’s land. In other times, he was worried about George coming back late from the ball with nothing else to protect his honor other than a criket box and he almost made sure all his escaping plans have George and Baldrick in them.  
> It’s lovely to see Blackadder as a sort of protective man. A sueperior that really cares about the people working under him. Sometimes Baldrick and George’s silliness can seriously piss anyone off, so it’s not really only his fault that Baldrick gets a fist on his face.  
> If Blackadder should fall in love with someone, and if, by serendipity, it’s our darling Captain Darling. I’d imagine Blackadder always acting very protective, very possessive of him all the time. He’ll have to consider Darling as his own and can’t get his hands off him all the time. That’s basically what I had in mind when I was writing most of the intimate scenes in this fic. I rewrote the sex scene, the first draft I posted here was really awful cause I just made Melchett interupted the whole thing so I don't have to write them out, which made me look really feckless.  
> Have fun and please please please comment if you have anything to say. I’m craving for reviews to tell me if I’m doing alright, with more fic ideas to be written down.


	6. NC for Noble Courtship

It started raining, nonstop, in the trenches, like there was a gash on the sky above and tears were tumbling down.

The order of going over the top finally came one night. The wetness soaked his whole body and heart. The swamp air came with the smell of dirt and gunpowder, desperately getting into his lungs. Nothing could be seen from the deep dark pressing sky above.

In the trenches, even Oscar Wilde can’t look at stars in this weather condition.

Blackadder came in their little accommodation, shrugging off the water clinging on his raincoat.

“Sir, Do you think I should write to my mom tonight?” Baldrick asked.

“That’s a bally good idea, telling her that we will be in Berlin soon, devouring sausages and coffee, dancing with blonde local girls.” George emerged behind him. “Let’s get started. We’ll write your first, then mine.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Blackadder sat on his cot, looking at probably the last thing alive he could see before he died. It was suddenly not-that-painful to see these two idiots together, plotting something, acting stupidly, or simply just, alive together.

“Dear mom, I found two cookies you sent me last Christmas today and ate one. Good as usual. I’m going over the top tomorrow. Probably can’t be home for Christmas. Don’t worry. Will have a German style one in Berlin after we marched there. Love. Baldrick.”

George wrote Baldrick’s letter and put it neatly in an envelope.

“That’s all, Baldrick?”

“Oh, wait. PS, I’m sending you back one, I don’t need it when German ladies feeding me with sausages and ham. Not that I don’t like it. Little Tommy may want it. He needs nutri...tri...” Baldrick stuck here.

“Nutrition?” Blackadder helped.

“Yes! That’s the one. New tuition!”

“I’m sure he needs that too. Who’s little Tommy, Baldrick?”

“My little brother, sir. Just had his thirteenth birthday. You see, sir, he’s already working in a textile factory. I can’t support the family by army wages. Last time I saw him, he was very thin. I promised to get him into the army so he could have some mud pies I’m having now. I miss him, sir.”

Blackadder silently watched Baldrick putting the last cookie left into the envelope.

“Do you think the one reading the letter for her will lie about the letter and eat the cookie himself, sir?”

“No, I’m sure no matter who it is. It doesn’t have any interest in that.” Blackadder gestured at the black thingy.

“Excellent, now mine. Dear mother, going over the top tomorrow. I say, isn’t it wonderful. All the boys are waiting for this corking day. Ah, yes,miss little Jacky terribly. Hope he can be here with me.”

“I have a sister named little Jacky too, sir!” Baldrick shouted.

“Great. I’m sure my little Jacky would like to meet her. She’d like to pat him on the back and probably we can get her ride him around for a while...”

“Hang on, is little Jacky a horse?”Blackadder frowned.

“You can’t say that to my sister, sir! She’s a lovely little girl with a cherubic face and sapphire blue eyes.” Baldrick cut in.

“I’m talking about George’s little Jacky. By the way, Baldrick. I don’t mean to be pedantic. You know the word cherubic and sapphire, but you cant even say nutrition right.”

“Chair-rub-it? Sand-fire? I don’t know what you mean, sir.” Baldrick looked confused.

“Doesn’t matter! George, carry on.”

“My little Jacky! What a fine horse he is! Haven’t seen it for a year. Hope my cousin Clementina won’t spank him on the bottom like last time. She threatened to shot him after getting kicked. Anyway, dear mother, blablabla, yes, will write more when in Berlin. Sorry about the Christmas dinner. Give father and Charlie my love. Heard he is the local MP now. Congratulations! Yours, George.”

George sealed his letter and clapped his hands together. “Captain! Do you want to write one to your loved ones?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Come on! You can show this letter to your grandchildren someday, telling them it was written the night before their granddaddy’s famous victory against the Boche.”

“Alright, alright. Dear...” Blackadder paused, he didn’t know whom to write to. George looked at him with enthusiasm.

“Dear Percy, old man. Will march towards the Germans tomorrow morning. Take care...yours, Edmund.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, send it out, will you.”

“Is there anyone else you’d like to send a letter to?”

“No.”

“You sure, Captain? I mean, Captain Da..., I mean, someone may want...”

“What did you say, George?!” Blackadder stood up.

“Oh, come, come, sir. Baldrick and I saw you with him when you forgot to lock the door some day ago. We didn’t mean to pry. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I’ve got an uncle, living with his valet for almost twenty years now. Everyone knows they sleep on the same bed. It’s only the law. I’m sure the old bonkers on the top will change it some time. My another uncle John, top barrister of England. I’m sure he’ll help you out if... I mean, not that I hope you’d...em... What was I saying? Yes, you should write to him, sir. I know there’s something wrong after he left for home. You always look so bally sad these days.” George stood up while waving his arms around to explain his words.

“Oh god! What exactly did you two see?!” Blackadder cried out.

Baldrick pouted and made some kissing sound. “Darling, I hope I can dunk you in my coffee rather than Balled-Drek’s lumps of sugar. What’s this Balled-Drek, sir?”

“This.” Blackadder hit him on the face.

“Well, I’m afraid I don’t know where to send it. Even if I do, I believe he won’t even want it. It’s over.”

“It is not, sir!” George called out.

“How could you know, George? Did you eavesdrop on us outside his office? In his room? Behind the little bush at the back of the Head Quarter? Did you hear I say to him Darling, I lo...” Blackadder closed his mouth and then opened it after seeing Darling at the door.

“Hello, Blackadder.” Darling said plainly.

“What are you doing here?” Blackadder stared at him. “I thought you were in England.”

“Here to fight with the boys tomorrow morning.”

“What?!” Blackadder raised his voice, his chest went up and down quickly. Then after closing his eyes for a moment, feeling himself steady enough, “George, get Baldrick and leave the room.”

“Sir, are you alright?” George asked.

“LEAVE THE ROOM!”

The Lieutenant and Private left, carefully closing the door behind them.

“What happened? You can’t be here! You shouldn’t be here?” Blackadder almost fainted.

//

“General, I beg you to transfer Captain Blackadder back here from the front line. He’s a rotten slacker. Think about the morale!” Darling kneeled before Melchett. “He’s mad! I saw him putting underwear on his head and went ‘oink, oink’. You can’t have that kind of man to lead the marches.”

The General sat in the armchair calmly watching him go all panicking and pathetic.

“Whose underwear is that? Your underwear?” Melchett said with apathy.

“I don’t understand, sir.” Darling felt cold suddenly.

“You understand perfectly. What are you doing here, Darling? Begging me to keep your lover safe and sound with no shame? We are already short of officers at the front. Even if Blackadder is mad, he will have to stay in his position till he dies!”

Darling gasped then after seconds of silence, he spoke up.

“Then transfer me to the front line to take his place and give him my job. Please, sir. After all those years of serving you, taking care of your needs, please just do this one favour for me, sir. And I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“Really, Darling? I thought you were only messing around. I’m touched. Really. But let me ask you something.” Melchett made Darling look at him. “Have you ever thought that Blackadder could never give you children and grandchildren? When he has you in bed, have you ever thought for one moment, while panting in his arms, maybe crying out his name with broken voice, that this is only an evanescent affair? “

Darling was near to breaking down. Those words hurt him even more than bullets.

“Do you think he loves you, Kevin Darling?” Melchett’s eyes were like two black holes sucking life out of him. He almost shattered under this stern stare.

“I don’t know, sir.” He answered honestly.

“Your self-sacrifice, though very respectable, I’m afraid I will not allow it. I was young, too. Back in Cambridge, I was in love, too. Everyone could get confused sometimes. But you see, love is fickle. Those days were past me and now, I’m only a silly old buffer with few years to live, all alone, all by myself. Love doesn’t make things better, Kevin. Love won’t make this war easier.”

Darling watched the desk he used to work on, suddenly remembered the days when Blackadder snuck up to him from behind and landed a kiss or two on his neck. God, he hates this war, he really does.

“Then just transfer me to the front, sir. This is the only thing I’ll ever ask of you.”

“I’m disappointed. You’re blinded by love, Darling! “ Melchett sighed.

“Better disappointed than sorry, sir. I love him. That’s enough for both of us.”

//

“So you said Melchett doesn’t want you in HQ, so he sent you here.” Blackadder repeated while frowning.

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.” Darling said as-a-matter-of-factly.

Blackadder sighed. “I never have the chance to explain why I did that to you in the interrogation. Please listen to me before it’s too late.”

“You did that because you were hoping to not startle the real spy. Yes, I figured it out some time ago.”

“Then are you still angry at me?” Blackadder said carefully.

“Yes.”

“It’s about me slapping you on the face, isn’t it?”

“It’s not that! Just Blackadder, I wish you could let me in your world sometimes. I always can’t figure you out. Your awful remarks and your frowning brows, your... big nose. I wish you could...”

“What?” Blackadder snapped at the word ‘big nose’, “What? I thought you like my ‘big nose’. And you wish I could do what? Teaching you to read word by word of my laid out and printed plan then spank you when you remember the words wrong?”

“How dare you? I’m still a Captain! Watch your mouth Blackadder.” Darling spat out.

“I saved your ungrateful little a...”

Just then the telephone rang.

“Captain Blackadder speaking. Yes, sir. He’s here. Alright, I’ll tell him.”

Blackadder inhaled deeply then conveyed the message to Darling.

“Melchett said, if you regret it now, the car is still waiting for you outside.” Blackadder watched Darling dodging his eyes. “So it seems old Melchett isn’t so keen about letting you go.”

“Yes, about that...”

“Did you volunteer to come here, darling?” Blackadder approached him gently.

“It doesn’t matter now. My place is by your side. No, I mean. I’m here to witness your death personally. Can’t miss that, can we? Front seat ticket. Very hard to get.” Darling smirked.

“Then, Captain Darling, I have one final question to ask.”

“Fire away, Blackadder. I doubt you can but who knows, maybe you can shoot out one or two bullets before gunned down by heavy machine guns, or probably just tread on a landmine.”

“Are you a woman? If you are, just like Private Bob Parkhurst, it’s never too late to confess.”

“What sort of question is that? Are you insulting me? You know perfectly well I’m not!” Darling frowned at the stupid question.

“Pity. If you were a woman, I’d be getting down on one knee now and asking you to accept my name and my ring.” Blackadder stood in front of Darling, who looked shaky and shocked. The worn captain reached out a hand to cup Darling’s face, thumb gently stroking away the tears.

“It’s probably okay since I don’t have one ring right now. Maybe except the pull ring on the sardine can. But I don’t think you’d like to wear that when you’re filling some forms.”

He saw Darling smiled a little through tears. Blackadder drew open his holster while kissing Darling on the mouth.

“I never thought I’d be saying this one day, but if anyone of us should live, I hope it would be you.”

Then he shot Darling in his left foot.

George and Baldrick tumbled in through the door, clearly were all along eavesdropping again.

“What happened, sir?!”

Seeing Blackadder drawing Darling up in his arms while the other Captain was clearly in pain with a blooding foot, George came to help.

“No, thank you George. I can manage.” Blackadder lifted Darling up and quickly walked outside, leaving George and Baldrick behind.

“Sorry, darling. That’s all I could do for you. You know, I’ve always found you a stupid git, but I didn’t realise you really are that stupid. Oh, and don’t ever try to do this for anyone. If you can’t learn this lesson, I’ll haunt you every night with lamps falling onto the floor, bothering sounds of chains cracking, plugging all your nasal hair out.” Blackadder rambled to Darling while carrying him all the way back to the car. The dusk was showing herself at the remote east sized of the sky. The rain had stopped a while ago. The air smelt of wet mud and grass.

“I bloody hate you...Black...adder.” Darling was losing his consciousness.

“Yes, Yes, that’s probably for the best. And, if we are to be conquered by Germans later, I don’t like seeing you hanging around with big fellows in leather shorts. There are plenty good men, or women of Anglo-Saxon roots. If you get married, don’t take her and your annoying children to visit me. I’m a cheap little man and I don’t want blasted cubs running on my face. What’s else?” Blackadder needed to stop to catch his breath.

He looked down to see Darling was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“And don’t get screwed by Melchett. I always suspected you serving him in bed some time ago. Well, just a thought, really. You should thank him for giving you another chance. And try to be discreet in the future, it’s your bloody job to lock the door. I almost shit my pants when Baldrick made that disgusting impression of me when I was with you.”

“But you did say that, sir.” Baldrick suddenly emerged beside him.

“For Christ’s sake, Baldrick, can we have some privacy?”

“Sir, Captain Darling dropped his cap.” Baldrick tried to run along with him.

“Oh, thank you Balders.” Blackadder grabbed the cap from him angrily, “now, go back to the trenches to eat some mud for breakfast.”

Baldrick turned and went back.

“You see, darling. I love Bladrick, and George, of course.” He said to Darling when finding Baldrick at a safe distance from them. “But bugger me if I ever say that to their face. So I am a horrible man. You’ll be able to forget me after some tea and caring nurses and perhaps a promotion. It’s my final wish that something I love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt, can be safe and sound in his little office, bossing around with nose in the air, sleeping tight at night. This is the thing I’m willing to fight for. Not my country. Or the king. Or Field Marshal Haig and Lady Haig, and their little turtle, Allen.” Blackadder looked down again and saw Darling closing his eyes and breathing evenly. Darling couldn’t hear him now.

He had to stop again, for his eyes were irritated. The salt water dropped on Darling’s front. The woollen fabric quickly soaked in the few drops and forming a little wet spot.

For the first and maybe the last time in his adulthood, Blackadder shed tears.

He approached the car and young Bobbie helped him open the door.

Blackadder carefully put Darling on the back seat. Looking at him for the last time.

“Send him to the hospital first, will you? Bobbie.”

“Yes, sir.” The young girl looked tired. It’s funny a girl like her, blonde and lovely, should be at home, gossiping with her sisters; or at least milking a cow and carried gallons and gallons of milk to the villagers all by herself. Anywhere but here, but this black filthy hole of all weakness and evil of human races.

He watched the car driving away swiftly. The sun hid itself shyly behind clouds, waiting to reveal its cruel burning nature. It would be a sunny day.

 END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you go on to read the final chapter, if you’re not already bored by this, I want to say something really quick here.   
> In the middle of writing this parody of the last episode “goodbyeee”, I was almost unable to keep going as I cried a little bit, thinking about Blackadder’s pending fate of almost definitely got shot and died. Though embarrassed to tell, I have to get it out of my chest somehow. I had the idea of keeping the authentic ending of Blackadder and his men going over the top before I started this fic, but when I was going to write towards the dark ending. I had to stop and asked myself, is there any way to get our cunning master of dark-humour out of this certain tragic death? And I just thought that probably he would be court-martialed for shooting a fellow officer in the foot, or perhaps he notices the big nail on the ladder and takes advantage of it, or perhaps he does go on the top and survive. But I don’t have the heart to change it into a happy ending fic. He has to die. If he lives, then it will be a huge bitch-slap on the very idea of “a connotation of tragedy in a comedic atmosphere “.   
> So, yeah, sorry guys. You’re probably in your comfy warm bed, sipping tea or milk or Pepsi whatever, and this twisted ending just gets you a big 6 foot CHARACTER-DEATH banner with neon light decorations under your nose.   
> So that’s the reason I wrote the sequel. Bitter but sweet.  
> Be sure to check the epilogue before going on to the really supernatural sequel.


	7. Chapter 7

After reading the last chapter, you may ask, then what about Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder? Are you a sloppy writer that can’t even stick to your title?  
And what about poor Blackadder and Darling after their heartbreaking departure?  
Did Blackadder survive in the battle and promoted? Did he and Darling reunite in the hospital perhaps, each stretching out a smile at each other across the room when their eyes met?  
Did they start a family under the horrible oppression of safe-sex couples? Is Osmond their adopted son?

No. Sir Osmond was born in the 60s, you see. There were a lot of hippies back then. And what is a “hippie” exactly? Well, a hippie is someone who gets really high and names their newborn from a funny name she and her boyfriend sees on a headstone. And since the register of the newborn was also very high at the time, he miswrote “Osmond” instead of “Edmond”.

Born into a hippie family reeking of pots, Sir Osmond worked really hard to master the art of satire. And soon going to Oxford, under the tuition of the professor of cunning, he grew up to be a promising young man. Then becoming the keeper of Her Majesty’s lawn sprinkler, and received a knighthood.

Oh, yes. And guess what? Sir Osmond has a brother. Two years younger. Also went to Oxford. A director in the famous Pratt&Son Funeral Home. Darling-Blackadder the younger, enjoys working in the office while his brother is running across the royal garden, shushing pigeons and peacocks.

I have absolutely no idea about where Mr and Mrs Balldrek got the idea of naming the other son, Kevin. Probably the same way they named Sir Osmond. I don't know. You know, sometimes, there are pairs of names that stuck together in your head, often linked to one another, like Hansel and Gretel, Lennie and George,  ~~Anglina Jolie and Brad Pitt，~~  young David Cameron and his lovely little pig friend Peppa, PM David Cameron and Brexit, and something else like two ordinary names you see on a headstone together, when you are too high to notice you're in a cemetery and mistaking it as an outdoor concert, and actually thinks those headstones are white plastic chairs and then sit on one, listening to your imagination all night long, until the ambulence has to send you to hospital to give birth.

Well, that’s another Tv series.  
Let’s end this for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, again, comments are welcomed and begged. Thank you for reading here. Good for you!
> 
> when i was looking really carefully at the original names of every episode, I just realized that they manged to insert a rank into it.  
> like "captain cook" "corporal punishment" "major star" "private plane" "general hospital"  
> I'm far too uneducated to come up something that witty really.so I used the fanfic rating system like M, G, NC that sort of thing as chapter titles  
> hope you won't find it too stupid  
> //  
> And yes! I'm supposed to post this on Tumblr or livejournal(does anyone still use this?), but I just don't know if there is still any active communities that I can turn to. So I'll just squeeze it here.  
> I read about this in the book "The true history of the Blackadder" that  
> “'Darling hates Blackadder because he's jealous of him. He's a real man, a front-line soldier.' But there was more to Kevin Darling than that, with a bizarre HOMOEROTIC undertone to his hatred of Blackadder blablablabla”  
> The jealous thing was said by John Lloyd and the HOMOEROTIC bit was written by the author of this book.  
> Em, that is to say, OH MY ALMIGHTY GAY LORD! LORDY LORDY LORD! HOLY DOG TURD AND I SHALL SERVE YOU WITH THREE DOZEN CUPS OF CALORIE-FREE YOGURT.  
> Basically, Darling is jealous of Blackadder's manly profile and there is some erotic gay stuff going under.  
> Well, well, well, isn't it lovely? This just summarised a full-length 100k words fanfiction in a single, elegant, and very gay style. Oh, dear, there comes a new fanfic idea.  
> Anyway, it's canon. Amen.  
> Being a shipper for all those years, searching for even a slightest hint of gay undertone and even creating things out of nothing in the shows, I have to confess I didn't see that coming.  
> Guess the Darling-Blackadder thing, is not just a casual joke but a real THING.  
> Well done, lads.


End file.
